X-Mas

1. Having to spend time with your family

If you happen to be an orphan, every year around this time you must feel like you won the lottery. Is there anything worse than having to take time out of your day, or in some cases dedicating several days, to go and hang out with a bunch of people you don’t care enough about to talk to during the rest of the year? Yes there is.

2. Having to buy shit for people

If there is one thing that is in fact awesome about Christmas it’s cultivating the art of re-gifting. Nothing says, “I don’t even know who the fuck you are” like some repackaged piece of crap that has an “AS SEEN ON TV” sticker on the box. I pretend to know my relatives very well, and I happen to know they all love gimmicky shit that can be purchased at Walgreens for $8.95 and has damaged packaging from being opened and re-boxed seventeen times.

3. Christmas Music

Is anyone ever going to write a new Christmas song? Fuck me between the meat shanks, if I hear one more of these so-called “classic” holiday songs again I’m going to drill out my ear drums.

4. Every mall in America. Probably Canada, too

I know human beings are procrastinators by nature, but is it really necessary for everyone in the country to show up at the mall at the exact same time? The only thing worse than people are crowds of people. Also, it seems like the mall has some sort of super power that inhibits human brain function. You know how when everyone is walking in one direction down the corridor and there’s that one dude walking against the grain. Fuck that guy. The only crowd that I enjoy around the holidays is all the ‘ho’s trying to get a lick on the Silky flavored meatcicle.

5. Santa Claus

I hope all the kids who have been lining up since October to lick Santa’s balls are reading this. Here’s a newsflash kids: Santa is a fag. The only thing awesome about Santa Claus is that it diverts attention away from those self important religious zealot types that think Christmas is all about them. So, no milk and cookies for Santa at this house. I’m going to prepare a beverage of a slightly different flavor:

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