Woodchucks

How much dick could a woodchuck suck if a woodchuck was Bad Panda?

Ah, the age-old question that has perplexed philosophers for eons. There are a few variables that can make this question difficult to answer. For example the amount of dick that a woodchuck might suck on a given day can vary greatly with the seasons, temperature, wind direction and dew point. The dick-sucking center of the woodchuck’s brain is complicated and sensitive but has proven in clinical studies to respond measurably when introduced to an olfactory stimulation such as an overturned dumpster filled with dirty diapers and dead hooker parts. The dick-sucking center is also theorized to make up a significant portion of Bad Panda’s shamefully small brain. This theory has lead researchers to believe there is an important evolutionary link between the cock-tasting tendencies of woodchucks to the meat-smoking of the panda. Therefore, although it is difficult to quantify accurately, scientists can estimate the dick-sucking volume of Bad Panda based on the observed dick-sucking of the woodchuck.

Recent advances in survaillence technology now give us the ability to monitor the woodchuck’s dick-sucking habits in its native environment. The results of the study have proven to be largely inconclusive however, because of the stability of mood and disposition of the woodchuck in relation to Bad Panda. In a circumstance where the woodchuck’s dick-sucking mechanism might trigger and he is satisfied sucking one dick, Bad Panda might be coordinating his cock-slurping activities through social networking internet sites such as My Space. This surprising level of sophistication enables Bad Panda to moisten as many as five or six knobs in one evening. Whether Bad Panda stops because he is satisfied or because he is exhausted is unknown.

An unexpected result of the study revealed that about once per month Bad Panda forgoes his usual beef bat binge for something a little more intimate. During twelve weeks of observation Bad Panda made three rendezvous with a well groomed and manicured individual named Chad Whiteman, twice attending the high school sporting events where Mr. Whiteman participated as a male cheerleader. What is interesting to note is that Mr. C-Dub seemed to be so preoccupied with his own appearance that he took no notice of the smelly panda sucking his cock.

Assuming the average woodchuck can suck at a rate of 1.3 Average Inches of Dick Sucked (AIDS) per second one is able to calculate that in a controlled environment Bad Panda would likely maintain somewhere between 1.5 sucking into the wind, and as much as 2.3 AIDS per second sucking against the wind. However those numbers might fluctuate if he were riding city bus, pleasuring himself anally with bamboo, or blowing a clown while simultaneously jacking off two midgets riding unicycles. Because his behavior is so difficult to predict we can only conclusively state that Bad Panda will suck precisely as much dick as he wants. Oh and don’t try to pick up chicks at a JV volleyball game. That would be illegal.

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