Ol Glory

Without question, the official energy drink of awesomness is Ol’ Glory. If you haven’t seen or experienced this stuff yet, get off your smelly bag and go get some.

Ol’ Glory is packing 250 mg of taurine, 50 mg, of caffine, and 50 mg of inositol (a chemical found in many foods and is necessary for cell function, but is also used as a cutting agent for cocaine) to provide a ‘healthy’ kick. Well, honestly it’s not much of a kick. But at least it tastes great, if by great you mean like a sandy turd. But what Ol’ Glory lacks in energy and flavor, it makes up for in pure, unadulterated ass-kicking.

This magical concoction of sugar, caffine, bovine reproductive amino acids, and drug-cutting agents with a little water mixed in is reminiscent of a time when America really kicked ass. A time when its government wasn’t trying to strike fear of terrorists into the hearts of its citizens, but strike fear of big fucking bombs into the hearts of communists.

I think the terrorist label is too vague for most mouth-breathing Americans. We need a clear-cut, well-defined enemy. Preferably one where we can go to practically any college campus in the world and crack some hippie in the nuts and feel like we’re performing our civic duty.

Ol’ Glory is basically straight up, no shit, balls hangin’ out commie killing juice. If you pour Ol’ Glory on a communist, it’ll burn his stupid Bolshevik ass like acid and distribute total annihilation according to need. For every sip you take, a commie dies.

According to their website, entrepreneurs Don Sessions and Jim Cannady, ‘wanted the brand to be steeped in patriotism. The graphics were designed using red, white & blue, the American Bald Eagle, and the Pledge of Allegiance with the words “Under God” emphasized. Ol’ Glory was positioned as a product that reflects the pride and values that make the United States of America a great nation.’

I think my favorite part of the label is the proud declaration running vertically next to the nutrition facts. “Keeping Americans Strong”. Priceless.

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