muffdive

It’s not fair to say fat dudes always talk about muff diving. I know that for fact because this one time I saw this fat dude put away like 100 barbeque Chicago baby back ribs, a pound of onion rings, and a quart of ice cream and while he was jamming his cake hole he didn’t mention tonguing the taco once. As soon as he threw in his saliva drizzled napkin though, it was right back to, “Mmmm, I think one of them ribs tasted like vagina.”

I will concede that fat guys talk about eating box a lot. A LOT. In fact I found this scientific graph on a science website that shows proportionally what fat dudes usually talk about:

As is irrefutably shown, although fat dudes spend the majority of their spoken words discussing muff diving, they also have to devote a significant portion of their speech to the things that make them fat dudes in the first place.

So now that we’ve cleared up your one minor exaggeration, lets go back to the original point of the question, which is why? The answer is quite simple: Lesbians. Everything in the world was fine until the 1960’s. Communists were the clear and defined enemy, cell phones hadn’t begun polluting society, Justin Timberlake hadn’t been born yet, and women were still in the kitchen baking pies. Experts unanimously agree, there is a direct correlation between happiness and pie consumption. Since the Women’s Liberation movement began, pie consumption in the United States has dramatically declined.

The moment the bra-burners took to the street was the exact same moment Western civilization began to decay. Now, we can all agree that no one likes a man-dyke fur trader, who doesn’t like some hot college inhibition-testing experimental girl-on-girl action. That is totally

Unfortunately, that’s not the kind of muff diving I hear a lot of these tubby assholes talking about. Most of the time they’re flapping their chubby lips about lapping on the bearded clam of some scabby trailer skank. Not cool. The next time you hear some fatty slob talking about his latest cunnilingus escapade do me a personal favor and slap the lips off his greasy fucking face.

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