Anal Sex

Does it make me gay to like anal sex with my
girlfriend if that is the way she prefers it?

I have to start with the obvious. Have you checked under the hood? I mean no offense, but have you investigated the fact that maybe she prefers anal sex because she does not in fact have a vagina? Assuming your partner is in fact a woman (a big assumption, but we’ll go with it) I don’t think it makes you gay unless you prefer traveling down the dirt path. With another man.

It certainly sounds like you know your way around the brown eye, but for anyone who doesn’t have an ass-slut girlfriend or have the kind of money to call on a professional, broaching the subject of traveling the Hershey Highway might seen like a daunting challenge. A lot of women have pretensions about having a stiff rod shoved in the most notorious of body cavities, so to help ease the burden of easing your meat stick into the turd factory I decided to put together a little guide on how to navigate the Chocolate Sea. Feel free to take this as the definitive word on how to earn your brown belt:

Silky’s Guide to the Wronghole

Preparation:

There are a few things you’re going to need before you go ahead and dive right in. First thing, lube. Lots and lots of lube. If you don’t use lube you may as well use a chainsaw. Second, you’re going to be creating the potential for a fecal disaster, so if you can’t convince her to do it at her apartment or a hotel or a bus station or in her parent’s bedroom, you’re going to want to create an easy to clean environment. I usually just spread a plastic tarp out on the front lawn and keep a garden hose handy. Find something that works for you, but remember that by the time you’re done your love sausage is going to smell like a port-a-john at a Black Sabbath concert.

Also, the morning before you make your attempt you’ll want to feed her seven or eight bran muffins laced with Ex-lax. The goal here is to get her to take a huge, bowel emptying king-sized dump. I don’t mean just the routine making of a few bears. Seriously, I mean a shit the size of a Volkswagen. The more feces you can get her to expel the less oil you’ll have on your dipstick.

The Dance:

Once you have everything set up, make sure you have a willing or unsuspecting partner. If you feel a bit uncomfortable bringing up the subject, remember, you don’t have to. Women love surprises, so just imagine her eye-popping joy when she receives your free rectal exam. If she likes it rough, she may show her appreciation by giving you a black eye and calling you an asshole.

As far as positions go, doggystyle seems to work the best, especially if you’re committed to the surprise tactic. Doggystyle takes a fair amount of trust on a woman’s part, so you can take that trust that you’ve built up over the last couple of months and exploit it for 1:24 of some hot, quasi-willing starfish play.

Aftermath:

Once you’ve satisfied your curiosity all over her back, you have a few options. You can grab your pants and leave, you can grab her pants and tell her to leave, or you can just run outside yelling, “Thank you Silky for teaching me to master the wronghole!” Any way you decide to play it, your escapade should end with the two of you parting as quickly and with as few words as possible. Nobody wants to sit around and listen to some chick drone on about her bleeding rectum. I mean, come on, there has to be a ball game or cartoons on somewhere.

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